Loaf in the Time of Crisis

Flloyd: Thunder’s Mouth Theatre presents “Loaf in the Time of Crisis”, Episode 6 of the limited series: “Baked Off! Live, Laugh Loaves” in which we follow the lives of two aspiring bakers of sourdough bread and their online professional chef tutor, each based in a different country. In this episode, Julianna (in Liverpool, England)  is in the middle of a starter-related crisis, Duncan (in Edinburgh Scotland) offers some support, while Margot (in Brisbane, Australia) manoeuvres her way round the progress of all the class participants. Enjoy.

SCENE 1 Sammy, Ade, Julianna

NOISE OF ANGLE GRINDER, CHILDREN RUNNING AROUND SHOUTING.

BUZZING TAKES OVER.

SAMMY'S VOICE EMERGES

SAMMY:                                Mum?  MUM??  Mummy!  MUMMY! .... Dad!  Daddy!! [HE RUNS AWAY] Da-addy!! Daddy daddy daddy!

ADE:                                       What?

ANGLE GRINDER WINDS DOWN

What is the problem? I told you I am busy today. Go and play with your friend.

SAMMY:                                But Daddy--

ADE:                                       No, you go and play with your friend. What is your mother doing?

SAMMY:                                Nothing.

ADE:                                       Well, then, go and talk to her. She will help you, whatever it is.

SAMMY:                                No. She won't talk to me.

ADE:                                       Why not? What have you done?

SAMMY:                                I didn't do anything! She is just doing nothing..

ADE:                                       What do you mean?  She is never just doing nothing. Don't talk nonsense

HE STARTS UP THE ANGLE GRINDER

SAMMY:                                No daddy!!!!  Please Daddy! Please come. Please Daddah, come and see. You'll see--

ADE:                                       Don't pull my arm, that's dangerous!

ANGLE GRINDER STOPS

I have told you so many times, Samuel. You mustn't touch me when I am working with the machinery.  Haven't I?

SAMMY:                                Yes Daddah. But--

ADE:                                       So why would you do such a thing? 

SAMMY:                                Because Mummy needs you.

ADE:                                       Oh?  I thought you said she wasn't doing anything.  Why does she need me now?

SAMMY:                                I don't know. She's just standing there.

ADE:                                       Standing where?

SAMMY:                                In the middle of the sitting room. And she won't speak.... She won't speak to me... she just won't speak.

ADE:                                       Oh my goodness.  Oh... right... well, come on then.

THEY WALK THROUGH THE HOUSE

BUZZING SOFTLY IN THE BACKGROUND NOW

Julie!  Julianna!!  Hey Jules, my love!  Where are you--oh!  There you are.  Sammy say you are doing nothing. Is everything alright?  .... Jules?   Julie?  Darling what is it?

BUZZING SUBSIDES

JULIANNA:                            Oh... Ade.... Sammy... there you are.  What.... What is it?  Did you want something?

ADE:                                       N-no... we just wanted to see if you were alright.  Are you alright?  You were just standing there--

SAMMY:                                Doing nothing.  I told you, she was standing there, just doing nothing.

JULIANNA:                            Was I? 

ADE:                                       That is what it looked like.

JULIANNA:                            Oh.  I suppose I was.  Doing nothing.  I couldn't hear...

ADE:                                       What? .... What couldn't you hear?

JULIANNA:                            Do you mind if we all sit down for a minute?  Sammy? Is your friend still here?

SAMMY:                                I don't know. 

JULIANNA:                            Go and see, darling.  Ask him if he'd like a biscuit, or a drink, or a .... Something

ADE:                                       Good idea. You do that Sammy. Take him into the kitchen, eh?

SAMMY:                                Sure.

HE SCAMPERS OUT AND SLAMS THE DOOR

JULIANNA:                            Oh!!! I wish he wouldn't do that.

ADE:                                       Me too. ... What is it Jules?  Are you ok? Do you feel unwell? 

JULIANNA:                            Yes. No!  No, I'm fine. Absolutely fine. Don't worry about me. I just.... Just...

ADE:                                       Just what, my love?  Eh?  What was it?

JULIANNA:                            Nothing at all.  I'm fine.  I think...

ADE:                                       You think you are fine?  That doesn't sound like fine to me. Why were you standing in the middle of the room, doing nothing--as our very observant son puts it?

JULIANNA:                            Was I?  Oh, yes, I suppose I was.  Well, I--I guess it was--it was because I couldn't think of what else to do. Yes, that's what it was. I couldn't think...

ADE:                                       Think of what?

JULIANNA:                            Anything.  Oh Ade!  I'm so sorry.  I don't know what came over me. I just - my brain - it just stopped thinking.

ADE:                                       Really?  Stopped thinking at all?  Is that possible?

JULIANNA:                            It must be. Yes. Because that's what it was. At least, that's what it felt like.  I don't know. I'm so tired.

ADE:                                       Right! Well, I think you need a nap. A good lie down. You head upstairs, and I'll bring you a nice cup of tea. And a biscuit, if those rascals have left us any.

JULIANNA:                            No, I couldn't. I need to get on. I'd better get started on dinner, Angelica is coming over soon.

ADE:                                       Ah but--

JULIANNA:                            No, darling. Don't you worry. She'll give me a hand.  I'm fine now, truly!  Look at me!  I'm up, I'm dancing.  Look at me, oh! Look at me, oh!

ADE:                                       Look at you indeed, you rascal.  You gave me a fright, you know.

JULIANNA:                            Aw! Did I?  Ah, you poor baby

ADE:                                       yes, I'm a poor baby, don't you go frightening me like that. [BIG HUG] MMMMmmm. 

JULIANNA:                            Mmm. Ok. Off you go. Back to work.

ADE:                                       Yes ma'am!  Bossy boots!

JULIANNA:                            I'll give you bossy boots. Go!

ADE:                                       I'm gone!

CRASH OF BROKEN GLASS FROM THE KITCHEN

What on earth?

JULIANNA:                            Sammy?  Sammy??? What have you done? DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING.

SAMMY:                                [FROM THE KITCHEN] Sorry Mummy.  It was an accident!

SCENE 2. JULIANNA AND ANGELICA

ANGELICA:                           I think that's pretty safe now.  I wrapped all the broken glass in the newspaper and put it into the recycling bin.  And the floor has been scrubbed within an inch of its life.

JULIANNA:                            Where are the boys now?

ANGELICA:                           Ade took them to the park. And he's going to walk Gerald home and then drop by the store for some eggs. I suggested we have omelettes for tea.

JULIANNA:                            Lovely.  Thank you darling. So sorry you had to deal with all of that.

ANGELICA:                           Not at all! It was a pleasure.

JULIANNA::                          Really?  Scraping broken glass mixed with sourdough starter off the floor.

ANGELICA:                           Is that what it was?  It did look quite disgusting.

JULIANNA:                            I know. [VERY SAD]. But it was my starter!!!

ANGELICA:                           And?  What's the big deal?  I thought it was just flour and water.  Can't you mix up some more?

JULIANNA:                            Oh, yes, of course I can.  But it takes at least a week to get it going, and I'm supposed to be baking a fresh loaf for tomorrow's class. It's my homework.

ANGELICA:                           Why does it take a week? Or should I really be asking that?

JULIANNA:                            It's a long story.  I'll tell you some other time.  I do not want to be going into it all right now. It hurts.

ANGELICA:                           Why does it hurt? Where does it hurt?

JULIANNA:                            My heart hurts.  And my brain hurts.

ANGELICA:                           You have a headache?  Shall I get down the paracetamol?

JULIANNA:                            No, it's not my head.  It's my brain.  It doesn't seem to be working any more. 

ANGELICA:                           How so?  You sound ok to me

JULIANNA:                            Oh, I don't mean all the time. It's just that sometimes, it seems to go on strike. It abandons me. Leaves me stranded.  I'm standing on a street corner, wondering where I'm going. And why?  I walk into a room, and I have no idea what I'm doing there.

ANGELICA:                           Oh my goodness! But that happens to me all the time!

JULIANNA:                            I know, my darling. I know it happens to everyone. More so these days than it used to. But this is different. This is more... more totally overwhelming.  Harder to shake off. And it's ... it's terrifying.

ANGELICA:                           Because you think you're - what? Early dementia?  Losing your mind?

JULIANNA:                            Losing my mind!!  That's exactly what it is, Angel.  I have these episodes when I have actually lost my mind. I can't find it.

ANGELICA:                           But then, you do find it.  It comes back to you.  So you haven't actually lost it.  Just temporarily misplaced it.

JULIANNA:                            [SLIGHTLY AMUSED] Indeed. But every time, there is no guarantee that it will come back.

ANGELICA:                           And I don't suppose this has anything to do with the menopause.

JULIANNA:                            The what?

ANGELICA:                           The menopause?  This changing hormones situation that you tell me you are in the middle of?  Couldn't this be a symptom of that?

JULIANNA:                            The menopause.  Oh my... You're quite right. Of course. And you see???  That's exactly what I mean!  I had completely forgotten that the menopause even existed, let alone that I'm in the middle of it!  That is what it is doing to me!!! I can't stand it!!!!

ANGELICA:                           And have you seen the doctor?

JULIANNA:                            The doctor, what for?

ANGELICA:                           Because she may be able to help you?

JULIANNA:                            But it's a normal thing, that we have to go through. What can the doctor do?

ANGELICA:                           Oh my word.  I don't believe you.  Who are you, and what have you done with my big sister?

JULIANNA:                            I don't know. She was here.  But she left.  And this wimpy thing came in and took over her body.

ANGELICA:                           And that doesn't make the slightest bit of sense.  You know as well as I do, probably better, that there are drugs to help you through this. But the doctor can't prescribe them, if she doesn't know you need them. Come on, what's the number?

JULIANNA:                            You expect me to remember numbers?  What kind of a cruel torturer are you?  It's in the telephone book, on the hall stand.

ANGELICA:                           Thank you.  I shall phone her in the morning, and WE shall get you an appointment. No matter how long it takes. Ok?

JULIANNA:                            Yes Miss. Thank you Miss.

ANGELICA:                           And that's enough cheek from you too.

SCENE 3 - DUNCAN ON SKYPE with Julianna, Angelica

DUNCAN:                              Pity I can't transfer some of my starter to you in time, teleport it down to you.

JULIANNA:                            Or fax it. [GIGGLES]

DUNCAN:                              Fax it!  [HE LAUGHS TOO]. Hey, I just thought.  You know that chef, that runs the cafe, the one that makes his own sourdough bread?

Julianna:                                Cory?  From Nickel City Kitchen?

Duncan:                                 That's the one.  Why don't you ask him for some starter. The guy on Youtube said that most bakers are happy to share.

Julianna:                                Oh no, I couldn't do that. It would feel like cheating. I feel stupid enough as it is. Such a silly thing

DUNCAN:                              But it wasn't you who knocked the jar out of the fridge! It was the boys.

JULIANNA:                            Yes, but if I'd put it at the back, it wouldn't have happened.

DUNCAN:                              No but if might have been something even more dangerous.  And I'm sure the boys didn't do it intentionally.

JULIANNA:                            Oh no, of course not. They were just being little boys. Poking around where they shouldn't have been. It's what they do.

DUNCAN:                              So why are you blaming yourself? No, don't answer that.

JULIANNA:                            Why not?  Because it's my fault.  I'm responsible for the children in my care, aren't I?  Pretty sure I am.

DUNCAN:                              Responsible, yes.  But I don't see how you could protect them from ever doing anything stupid. Just imagine if we were all going around, from birth, being protected from doing stupid things, we'd never actually learn how to look after ourselves. Remember Beckett? Fail, fail again (fail better

JULIANNA:                            Fail better.  Yes, I suppose so.

DUNCAN:                              And by the way, how did you come to be an expert in Beckett quotes?

JULIANNA:                            Ooh, not an expert. But I do know that one.  And that play of his, what's it called... Oh No! I can't think of it!!! This is so annoying! I know it, I really do--

DUNCAN:                              Hey, calm down.  No big deal, eh?  Give yourself a break, Jules.  W--

JULIANNA:                            No, PLEASE don't tell me. Please.  Sorry Duncan.  I need to know I can find it, somehow. Let me think for a bit... Two old guys, hanging around, (talking--

DUNCAN:                              Hanging around?

JULIANNA:                            Yes, Waiting - oh!!! Ho (BIG SIGH). "Waiting for Godot".  Oh thank you.

DUNCAN:                              What for?

JULIANNA:                            For waiting. And for the nudge. I appreciate it. And why do I know about it?  Because I played The Boy in a production once, when I was about 12 years old. So much fun.

DOOR OPENS. FOOTSTEPS

DUNCAN:                              Wow!  I'm impressed.

ANGELICA:                           Who's impressed?  Oh, it's Mr Hottie from Scotland. Sorry, Jules. Let me know when you're finished.

DUNCAN:                              Mr who?  What did she say?

JULIANNA:                            You don't want to know. Believe me. Come on Angel, say hello nicely to Duncan.

ANGELICA:                           Hello nicely to Duncan.  Sorry to interrupt. You ok?

DUNCAN:                              Absolutely ok.  Thank you.  How are you?

ANGELICA:                           Oh, I'm stunningly wonderful, thanks for asking.

DUNCAN:                              Well, that's good to hear. Jules tells me you keep being asked to audition for shows, but you don't turn up for them. 

ANGELICA:                           You what?  Why would you tell him that?

JULIANNA:                            Because it's interesting.

ANGELICA:                           It is not.  Not remotely interesting.

DUNCAN:                              Don't you want to perform any more?

ANGELICA:                           I do!  I really do.  I just don't want to audition any more.

DUNCAN:                              Why not?

ANGELICA:                           It's too scary.

DUNCAN:                              Because you might get the job?

ANGELICA:                           Noooo!  Because I might....

DUNCAN:                              You might what?

JULIANNA:                            Yes, Angel.  You might what?

ANGELICA:                           Because I might get the job.

JULIANNA:                            And that would be a bad thing because...?

DUNCAN                               Maybe because they are not the jobs that you want to be doing.

ANGELICa:                           Well... maybe...

JULIANNA:                            Angel!!! Is that right? What do you mean? You don't want to dance any more?

ANGELICA:                           I don't want to be in the chorus any more. I just want to dance, to create my own work, and I, I...

DUNCAN:                              So why don't you?

ANGELICA:                           Because nobody is going to pay little old me to create some wacky piece of work that nobody has ever heard of.

DUNCAN:                              And why haven't they heard of it?

ANGELICA:                           Because I haven't made it yet, silly!

JULIANNA:                            Hey!

ANGELICA:                           Oh, sorry.

DUNCAN:                              No, but you're right. And they won't do, until you make it, right?

ANGELICA:                           Ye-es.

JULIANNA:                            I hate to interrupt this, but we have a Zoom meeting in 5 minutes.

ANGELICA:                           Oh, sorry. Sorry Jules, I'll get back to Sammy. Bye Duncan. Nice to... see you.

DUNCAN:                              Bye Angelica.  Next time...

JULIANNA:                            Well!!

ANGELICA:                           What?  Well what?

JULIANNA:                            Think about it.  I'm off to get a quick cuppa. Want one?

SCENE 4. ON ZOOM

MARGOT:                             Now I have a question for all of you.  Raise your hand--and please, I beg you, be honest with me, eh?--raise your hand if your loaf gets eaten, in the week.

GENERAL CACOPHONY FROM EVERYONE

Alright! Alright! ALRIGHT!! No point in everyone speaking at once. Just, for the moment, please, raise your hand if your loaf has been eaten this week,  by that I mean finished, all gone, before you baked the next one. ... OK, we have Duncan, and Freddie, oh, 2 hands from Freddie, I wonder if that means two loaves - Oh my goodness, he's nodding! (And I thought I was joking) well, good on you Freddie. And Rosemary!  Yes?  Rosemary I can see your fingers, does that mean you are raising your hand?  Nodding. Well raise it higher, my love, High and Proud please - Aha!  There ya go. Well done.  Nobody else? Ok, well, let's dive in and see what's going on. Rosemary, on you go darling, and tell us your story from this week's baking adventure.

ROSEMARY:                        Well, it's not much of a story--

FREDDIE:                             Yes it is!  Go Rosemary!!

CAROLINE:                          Thank you, Freddie...

ROSEMARY:                        Thanks Freddie. Well, I made the bread on Sunday, I mean, I cooked it on Monday, and it was just out of the oven when my Mum and Dad dropped in. And I didn't know they were coming, coz they were on holiday, but anyway, they came in and they said "what's that smell?" And I said, it's just the bread. And they said "what bread?  Did you go to the bakery?" And I said, no, I made it. And they said, well, they just wanted to try it,

MARGOT:                             Oh no!

ROSEMARY:                        Yes! I know, so I said no! You have to wait till it cools a bit. So we all went out and walked around the park for a bit and they told me about their holiday and when we got back it was a bit cooler, so we had it, and they loved it!

MARGOT:                             Oh Rosie Rosie Rosie! I am so pleased for you. Well done!  Very well done!

FREDDIE:                             And what about that boyfriend?  Did he get any?

ROSEMARY:                        Well, he came in after when we were just sitting around, and my Mum said he should try it, and he said, no, it would be crap. And my Dad... well... you know...

JULIANNA:                            What?  Rosemary? What did your Dad do?

FREDDIE:                             I hope he clocked him.

ROSEMARY:                        Well he - he almost did. But Mum got in between them, and SHE turned on him, and told him to get out. Just get out, and not come back!

DUNCAN:                              And did he?

ROSEMARY:                        Did he what? Come back?  [LAUGHING]. No.  I told him too!  I said get lost, you loser!  If my bread's not good enough for you, neither am I.

FREDDIE:                             You little beauty, Rosie!

MARGOT:                             Yes!  Well done.  So now you're a free woman, and a great bread maker. Right!

ROSEMARY:                        You're right. Reckon I am.  Thanks guys.

CAROLINE:                          And well done to your parents. That is so good to hear.

MARGOT:                             Yes... Thanks Caro.  Ok! Now, who's next? Freddie.  Over to you.

FREDDIE:                             Me?  Oh, I just made it.. With the wholemeal, like you said. Which, I'll be honest with you, Margot, I was not looking forward to.  But I did it.  And it turned out ok. A bit doughy, you know?  I didn't like it much. So I took it down to the local food bank.

MARGOT:                             [LAUGHS] Great!  That's just great, Freddie. Good man. You are a good man.

FREDDIE:                             You reckon?

MARGOT:                             I do.  You should keep doing that..  Bake a white for yourself, and a brown one for the locals.

FREDDIE:                             We-ell.  They're me mates, ye know.  I know a lot of those folk who go there. Used to go there myself. For a while, just after I left work. Had a bit of trouble managing with me money you know. Spent up big for a while. Went a bit daft.  But I'm alright now.

JULIANNA:                            (Well done, Freddie.

ROSEMARY:                        (That's good to know.

DUNCAN:                              (Good on you Freddie. Well done.

MARGOT:                             Good to hear.  Nice work Freddie.  Ok, Duncan. What's your story?

DUNCAN:                              Oh, I made two, a white one and a wholemeal one. Gave the white one to my mate Malcy, and he shared it with my landlady.  I think they probably made short work of it between them.  And I had the wholemeal one, just myself, toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, most days. All gone. I'm putting on weight you know, Margot, and I blame you!

MARGOT:                             And I'll take it. But well done. Seems like you're on track. Keep on doing what you're doing... Now, who else is there?  Julianna. What's happening where you are? Did you bake this week?

JULIANNA:                            Sorry to say, no, I slipped up Margot.

MARGOT:                             What happened? No time? That's understandable.

DUNCAN:                              SHE didn't slip up, Margot.  It was her kids.

JULIANNA:                            Kid.  Just the one. 

MARGOT:                             How come? What did Sammy get up to?

JULIANNA:                            He had a friend over in the house, to play with. And they got a bit boisterous in the kitchen, and knocked over the jar with my starter.  I had it out, ready to feed overnight, to bake the next day, and it just shattered, broken glass and gooey starter all over the floor.

MARGOT:                             Oh dear!  Not good.  Was anybody hurt?

JULIANNA:                            Oh no.  Just my - I dunno - my nerves.  I was really upset. Because I had to start all over, with a new starter, so I didn't have it ready in time to bake for today even.

MARGOT:                             No, well, that's understandable.  Kids will knock things over. And we just have to clean up after them. So how's the new starter going?

JULIANNA:                            Really good, thanks. It's got bubbles already, only 3 days in. 

MARGOT:                             And it's no big deal, you see, [laughs] you knew exactly how to get a new starter going. And I'm sure nobody starved for the lack of a loaf of freshly made bread.

JULIANNA:                            No.  But boy oh boy, they moaned.  Oh dear how they moaned about not having the 'nice' bread.  They've totally lost their taste for bought bread. Really complained when I said I would buy some.

MARGOT:                             Ah.  That's a bit mean.

JULIANNA:                            I don't think they meant it meanly... It was a bit weird really.

DUNCAN:                              I reckon they were trying to show you how much they actually appreciate your bread.

JULIANNA:                            You think?  Oh!  Maybe that was it.  They did sound really weird. 'No Mummy!  We don't need to buy bread. We don't like, do we Daddy?"  And my husband, going "no, we really REALLY don't like the taste any more'.

CAROLINE:                          Oh! That's wonderful!  That just shows you how well you are doing, doesn't it, Margot?

MARGOT:                             Indeed it does.  And how about you, Caroline?  Did you make a loaf this week?

CAROLINE:                          Oh I... I...I...

MARGOT:                             Just say no!  It's not the law, you know! You don't have to do it if you don't want to.

CAROLINE:                          Oh but I do, it's just that...

FREDDIE:                             What? What's the problem, Caroline?  You started this?  Why don't you want to make sourdough bread?

CAROLINE:                          I do!  I really do want to make it. But I can't.

DUNCAN:                              Why not?

JULIANNA:                            Yes, why not?

CAROLINE:                          Because I just haven't had time. I've been so busy this week.  You know, meetings, and Pierre, and, and, and, I've been getting the garden ready for the... for the village competition, that's just a few months away. So yes.  I just haven't had time.

MARGOT:                             And you haven't got a starter going, have you?

CAROLINE:                          What?  Of course I have!

MARGOT:                             And when did you last feed it?

CAROLINE:                          Feed it? What do you mean, feed it?  It's in the fridge. I thought it was quite safe in the fridge.  Didn't you say we could leave it in the fridge?

MARGOT:                             Yes, but not forever. You have to feed it, at least once a week. And you haven't have you darling?

CAROLINE:                          Oh.... Oh no.... No I--

MARGOT:                             But it's not a problem. Is it, Julianna? 

JULIANNA:                            Not at all.

MARGOT:                             No.  Because you can just throw it out. And start again.  Can't you?

CAROLINE:                          Oh... Yes... Of course.  Start again..  Oh dear...

FLLOYD: That was “Loaf in the Time of Crisis”, Episode 6 of “Baked Off!”.  You heard (in order of appearance) You heard Frankii Phoenix as Sammy and Angelica, Tayo Aluko as Ade, Erika Sanderson as Julianna, Christopher McDougall as Duncan, Flloyd Kennedy as Margot, Wendy Lap as Rosemary, Roy R Carruthers as Freddie and Andrea Richardson as Caroline. Now, as you know, audio fiction podcasts might be free to listen to, but they are not free to make, so we are running a crowdfunded campaign to raise funds to pay all of the artists involved, including the voice actors, composer/musician (that’s John T La Barbera) as well as the editor and sound designer. You are welcome to donate there, and the link is in the show notes. Or you can pop over to buymeacoffee.com/bakedoffthepodcast to leave a tip of any amount from a pound or a dollar.  Thanks so much to everyone who has donated so far, we are enormously grateful. We are also grateful to the Fable and Folly network for their support, please • Find and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partners

••Thanks for listening. Stay safe